As Seen On TV

On our wedding night, after we had settled in at our hotel, counted our loot, and retired to bed, Gavan and I found it impossible to fall asleep. Not because we were, uh...never mind - but because our brains were still full of adrenaline from having had such an exciting, lovely wedding. So, intent upon relaxing, we flipped on the TV in our pretty large and luxurious suite and tried to find something to watch before we drifted off to la la land. What we discovered, at 4:30am that morning, is that there is not a thing on hotel TV in these early morning hours, besides infomercials. Having not eaten very much that night, the brownie pan, pizza stone, Nuwave Oven Pro and Magic Bullet, broadcast to us in all their gooey chocolaty, cheesy, chicken-y, salsa-y goodness, started to make us very hungry. While my darling new husband eventually fell asleep, I ended up ordering room service somewhere in the 5 o'clock hour.

Now that there's a munchkin in our family, I've woken up hundreds of times at odd hours of the night and because of this, have watched thousands more infomercials than anyone should ever, ever, be allowed to. If it were not for streaming Netflix, I might still be watching late night infomercials. But I digress.

I thought in this blog post, I'd give you my real take on a few, choice, As Seen On TV items (henceforth referred to here as ASOTV) - products I've actually TRIED. Yes, this post comes with the admission that not only have I watched the infomercials, I've also bought ASOTV products. In my defense, they've mostly been bought from CVS - and only one time over the phone ( it was a gift!). Every CVS has that one aisle, hidden in the back somewhere, probably leased by the ASOTV folks, with all the products you see on those long, late night infomercials. Its one of my guilty pleasures, and apparently (though I never realized til today) my husbands as well, to visit this aisle, with all its promise and possibilty, and, if the moment is right, to sneak away with something I might possibly, maybe, not need so much. So from our family to yours, in this season of hope and giving, here are some reviews of ASOTV products we've tried:

The Pasta Pro

In our college years we could not afford both Pot AND Strainer (AND Beer) - so what better invention for us than the Pasta Pro pot and strainer in one?

No joke, this thing is diesel. It gets 5 stars. Though you have to be careful when draining the water not to scald yourself (think wide arms when pouring) - otherwise its a solid invention. I don't know what ever happened to the pots, as they are no longer in our possession, nor do I remember if we bought them or if Gavan's roommate and friend Dan actually bought them, but this is probably the best ASOTV product I've ever used. College Students - buy this.

The Twin Draft Guard

The twin draft guard, while keeping cool air from flowing through the large opening under our back porch door, is ugly. It also slides out of place constantly. Having two dogs means that this thing collects a ton of dog hair. And dirt. I wash it as often as I can, but its dirty the next day - and I sweep my floors people! Sometimes. Anyway, Gavan would probably give this product a thumbs up because he doesn't clean it, nor care if it's clean, and if its purpose was to be a an extremely ugly, dirty, shifty, door jam, I would too.

The Half Time Drill Driver

After spending our wedding night watching infomercials, how appropriate that this year, for our anniversary, I should get Gavan an ASOTV product he's seen and loved for quite some time - The Half Time drill / driver. The animation to the left sort of illustrates what this one is all about - its a combo bit that you can swivel between a drill and a driver without taking off the bit itself. Gav was very excited about this, saying how much he wanted it every time it came on television, and how great it would be to be able to switch easily between drill and driver without having to take the bit out every time, what with all the handyman work he does around our house. I just called to ask him what he thought of the product for the purpose of my blog (our anniversary was on Oct 11th) and his response was "Haven't used it yet." Huh!

The Gyro Bowl

This bowl looks like every mother's dream. A bowl that essentially, doesn't spill, but instead rotates to stand upright even when your precious' little arms don't. Gavan picked this one up from CVS. The Gyro Bowl fits right into the "If Its Too Good To Be True It Probably Is" category. In its first use Lachlan discovered its gyrating qualities and promptly whipped it around the room as fast as he could, until something finally flew out. I was slightly impressed that it took as long as it did (2 mins) for something to fall out, and would have kept using it, had Lachlan not, at that moment, ripped the middle bowl right out of the device with a small tug. We now have a small, sad, rounded bottom, yellow bowl that does not sit upright, in the cupboard. I have also discovered, through a mom friend, these things work wonders and are a much better investment.

Well, there you have it. There are several other ASOTV products I am looking forward to being disappointed by - the Magic Mesh, the Perfect Meatloaf pan, the Vidalia Chop Wizard to name a few. But in all honesty, this blog post is purely selfish in its intention - I really just want someone to finally buy me a Snuggie for Christmas. Or Pajama Jeans.

My Back Pages

I am a big fan of modern technology. Social Media. Keeping up with old friends and colleagues. Facebook and Google + are alright in my books. I even, due to some recent developments involving free paint from Olympic One, finally concede that Twitter is not only the exclusive online venue for short sighted, self absorbed, idiots*, but instead a free market for impulsive expression, and marketing ingenuity (and free paint!). However there is one facet of new world technology, in which we share so much with everyone we know, that my psyche has yet to confront, and that is, the embarrassing kid photo.

I'm not talking about my kid. Oh heavens no. This new generation will have no place to hide once they've come of age. I've dressed my kid up as a bunny for Easter, a pumpkin for Halloween, and a moose at Christmas time, tagging and facebooking to my hearts content. When I write that I have yet to come to terms with the embarrassing kid photo, I mean the embarrassing kid photos of me.

I know we all have them - and if you say you don't, give me 30 minutes and I'll find one for you. Thanks to the internet, and your mom, these lovely reminders of awkward adolescence can now be broadcast to friends, family, and work colleagues, all without your permission! Even those 14 year old fat-pimply pictures you thought you'd burned and were gone forever are now scanned, digitized, tagged, and ready for public consumption (because your mom got doubles dummy).

The super young baby photos I don't mind so much. I was a pretty cute baby.

Its the middle school years. Oh the middle school years! Lets put it this way, while I might have been reading Francine Pascal at the time, I was certainly no Wakefield twin. In order to take away the power these photos hold over me, and the power my mother holds with her cache of terribly embarrasing middle school pictures, and in an effort to confront this middle aged life crisis I seem to have hit after turning 30, I'm going to publish some pictures of myself as a goofy middle schooler. I hope you all get a good laugh. But don't laugh too hard - the internet holds many secrets, I'm betting some of yours too...

I'm totally taking my cousins down with the ship on this one. Notice the sleeveless shirt, buttoned to the top, and the white, backwards YANKEE cap I was wearing. The Stylin' 90's . Actually this look might be coming back, I need to check my closet at home for more pieces like this.

To the right, CAMO! Short hair. Man's watch. Probably my second glass of wine ever.

To the left, high school graduation. OK, so this ones not middle school, but its still pretty dated. I loved No Doubt, and modeled my hair after Gwen Stefani. I do still like the saree, and also we were sort of supposed to wear those at graduation (in Sri Lanka) but the saree and the hair together give this picture such a new millenium feel to me. Y2K anyone?

I know we all have embarrassing pics out there, and I'm not really ashamed of any of mine, they are what they are, I just thought I'd let ya know they exist - before my mother does.

*Either that, or I've become one.

Elf on the Shelf Vs. Christopher Pop In Kins

Verily, the Christmas season is almost upon us! Or at least, if you're a mom, you've probably been thinking about it. I know its not even Thanksgiving yet, but if you work from the 6-weeks-out-holiday-planning rule like I do, your Thanksgiving planning started mid September and has pretty much been finalized by now. To Christmas we go. Seeing as its only my second Christmas with a wee one, we havn't really adopted set in stone Christmas traditions for our family yet. One tradition I am planning on is an extended visit from one of Santa's elves, or in consumer speak, an Elf on a Shelf.

I heard about this tradition last year, on a tongue and cheek blog post on Psychology Today entitled "10 Holiday Gifts That Will Cause Your Child Lasting Psychological Damage". Super funny. Also, he's joking. I do not wish to cause my child psychological damage. Again, this is satire. Moving on.

The premise of the Elf on the Shelf is that the elf comes to your house before Christmas and watches the children, making reports on their behavior back to Santa. You're supposed to move the elf every morning to a new spot and have the children find him. There are LOTS of moms out there who heartily renounce the elf on the shelf as an evil and mean holiday tradition. I think its all in how you handle it. I have no intention of making the elf Santa's sheriff. I do intend for the elf to be a fun addition to the holiday season as a visitor in our house. There are so many things you could do. I read online that, in addition to having the elf play hide and seek with her child every morning, one mom has the elf do naughty things when her little one is naughty - and when her child is good the elf appears with small presents for him. Totally cute! I'm pretty set on doing it. I just don't know which one we should get.

The picture on the left is of the original Elf on the Shelf. He reminds me of some of the old 1950-60 era ornaments my mom had when we were young. I also find him slightly creepy. Additionally, I'm not especially pleased with the book that comes with him. As I mentioned, I have no intention of making the elf's visit threatening - and there is a line in the book I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. Here's the "problem" line:

Elf on the Shelf is watching you
What you say and what you do
Elf on the Shelf is judging you
Each and every Christmas

Um...no thanks Big Brother. No need to make the Elf on the Shelf into the gestapo. As a kid I think I would have been a little intimidated by that line. Not sure about this one.

The other elf is Christopher Pop-In-Kins. The alternative Elf on the Shelf. Here he is in all his Pop-In-Kins glory.

While the other elf looks kind of creepy to me, this guy looks a little goofy. I have no idea about the book that comes with him. Also, where is his other ear?

I'm not crafty so there is no way I'm making my own Elf on the Shelf, creepy and goofy are godsends compared to what I might create. I'm going to order one of these guys sometime this week - which one do you think I should get? I'd also be interested to hear what other traditions people participate in for the holidays - what are some of the things you remember doing as a kid, or what things are you doing this year with your kids?